You wake up and make your way to the bathroom. You sit down and begin to pee. Suddenly your stream of urine is replaced with a stream of razor blades, or the fiery depths of hell. Shit. You know these symptoms. Your breath begins to get heavier. The children of the world scream in terror. Hell freezes over. Your life flashes before your eyes. You know what’s coming next. You know it’s here. You wipe yourself when you finish and see traces of blood. Your UTI is here and it’s here with a vengeance. You shed a tear, the first of many, as it feels like you need to pee again. You try. You can’t. It just burns. It always burns. The only relief you will experience is spending the next hour on the toilet. Crying, unable to pee.
What is a UTI?
A UTI is a Urinary Tract Infection. They occur when bacteria makes its way into your urinary tract. This can happen due to a number of reasons. These include, but are not limited to;
- Wiping the wrong way (ALWAYS wipe front to back)
- Sex (UTIs are not Sexually Transmitted Infections. You do not have to be sexually active to get a UTI, they are not contagious)
- Holding your pee
- Birth control
- Feminine hygiene products
Basically, if you have a urethra, male or female, the universe will find a way to punish you. Particularly if you’re a woman. This isn’t a feminist thing. It’s a biological thing. If you have a vagina, you have a greater chance of contracting a UTI. All your holes are closer together and so the transfer of bacteria is easier. It’s therefore no surprise that almost every female will get a UTI atleast once in their life. Some lucky ladies might get two. And some very fortunate souls, like myself, will get chronic UTIs. Men can contract UTIs too, although it can be more difficult for them to do so. This also makes it more serious and difficult to get rid of it. Which really sucks.
Cures and Prevention
We all know prevention is better than cure. But when you’re already pissing fire, it’s a bit late for that. So here are some quick relief cures:
- Cystopurin. These small sachets of powder will be your saving grace.
- Pain killers
- Cranberry juice
- Water. Drinking lots of liquid is key. It flushes out the tract and stops the bacteria from having the opportunity to attach itself
- Antibiotics. Seek medical advice. No one wants to be pissing blood.
- Always wipe front to back
- Wash your genital area before and after sex
- Always pee after sex
- Stay hydrated, drink those 8 glasses a day
- Cranberry supplements
- Ensure decent fibre intake
- Don’t hold your pee
- Avoid nylon material underwear and tight jeans/tights. This is the perfect environment for bacteria to grow.
- Cotton underwear
And so there you have it. Next time you have the fiery depths of hell wreaking havoc in your urinary tract, cuddle up in bed with a hot water bottle, chamomile tea, cystopurin and a good book. Don’t forget to lament on the times when your urinary tract was normal and not trying to kill you. May the force and codeine filled pain-killers be with you. Good luck.